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This straightforward guide explains how Chemistry, Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust, and Empathy are the pillars that support a strong, successful relationship-and how couples can repair those pillars, protect them against the long-term wear and tear of stress, boredom, and bickering, and build a lasting, satisfying love.
- Sales Rank: #121142 in Books
- Brand: Perigee Trade
- Published on: 2002-04-02
- Released on: 2002-04-02
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.93" h x .88" w x 6.05" l, .77 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 336 pages
- Great product!
Amazon.com Review
"In reality we don't fall out of love," writes Mark Goulston, M.D. "Rather, love falls out of us, like the floors of a building whose foundation crumbles." If you're in a relationship that has lost its magic, The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship aims to rekindle your heart by teaching you a process of examining, discussing, and fixing your relationship.
The first letters of each of the six secrets make the acronym CREATE: chemistry, respect, enjoyment, acceptance, trust, and empathy. Goulston maintains that relationship problems are caused by a breakdown in one or more of these elements, but if you strengthen the supporting structure in these overlapping areas, you can restore your passion and romance and discover "a new, mature love that surpasses in depth and intimacy all your romantic memories." Whatever the specific problems in your relationship, he says, improving these six areas will help restore your bond.
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship is like couples therapy in a book. You and your partner will want to work through specific chapters together, which you'll return to often for guidance. You'll learn warning signs that your relationship is in trouble in one or more of these areas, how to communicate about it, and how to repair and renew the relationship. Goulston includes self-tests, exercises, and many anecdotes that illustrate his points. Eye-catching quotes pepper the chapters, such as, "Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions," (Woody Allen) and "Men always want to be a woman's first love--women like to be a man's last romance" (Oscar Wilde).
Goulston is a board-certified psychiatrist and a well-known relationship advisor who has conducted 10,000-plus hours of couples therapy. Goulston and coauthor Philip Goldberg also wrote Get out of Your Own Way. --Joan Price
From Publishers Weekly
In an intelligent if unexciting work that benefits from Goulston's 25 years as a psychiatrist, he observes that relationship problems stem from a breakdown of any of the six essential traits he's grouped under the acronym CREATE: chemistry, respect, enjoyment, acceptance, trust and empathy. For each trait, he offers self-evaluations and exercises that elicit open dialogue between partners working together, in either written or verbal form. Though he sprinkles the text with pithy ideas he calls "Usable Insights" (e.g., "Constantly asking your partner to tell you you're attractive is unattractive"), the heart of the book is in its fictionalized accounts of real-life cases. Many of these stories are genuinely moving, though some are too easily resolved; overall, they effectively illustrate the issues. Though Goulston apparently wants to counter John Gray's gender characterizations by declaring that men and women are not from different planets, but from earth, he still serves up some stereotypes (e.g., men who resort to type as sullen and withdrawn; women who are critical and demanding). Some of his comments about sex may raise some eyebrows (he connects the availability of Internet porn to a "masturbation epidemic among married men"). This solid effort should appeal to mature couples willing to do the work he suggests to shore up long-term marriages. (Feb.)Forecast: The lack of a gimmick or obvious sales handle will make this book harder to sell in the crowded relationship market, though that may give it some durability in the long run. A first serial to Ladies Home Journal and Goulston's syndicated column at lifescape.com will insure exposure at publication.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
Review
"Intelligent...solid." —Publishers Weekly
"A very smart, no-frills handbook." —Chicago Sun-Times
"Indispensable guidance." —Harold H. Bloomfield, MD
"Practical wisdom...will strengthen and bring new passion and insight to your relationship —John Gray
Most helpful customer reviews
24 of 26 people found the following review helpful.
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship
By Kelly Jadon
From: [...]
Author & Book Views On A Healthy Life!
Book Review: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again and Stay There (Perigree, 2001) by Mark Goulston, MD with Philip Goldberg
A Classic Feature
Dr. Mark Goulston is a former UCLA professor who helps high performing leaders, senior management and sales people reach their full potential using skills he learned training FBI and police hostage negotiators. He has also written Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Get Out of Your Own Way at Work, and PTSD for Dummies.
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship has received praise from John Gray, Ph.D. and Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. The book is based on more than 10,000 hours of couples therapy and has been developed into six secrets for keeping your relationship together:
1. Keep the chemistry burning.
2. Treat your partner with respect--and earn his or her respect.
3. Don't stop thinking about enjoyment.
4. Give one another acceptance despite your flaws.
5. Deserve each other's trust.
6. Always keep in touch with empathy.
"The structure of an intimate relationship rests on six pillars, which are the core of each of the six secrets."
1. C--chemistry (Sex; Romance; Discusses the painful secrets some individuals keep; Tells why we need to feel physically connected. Answers why chemistry waxes, then wanes--explains how to bring this important element back into the relationship.)
2. R--respect (This is where affairs sometimes begin. Warning signs of disrespect highlighted. Tells how to respect yourself and your partner.)
3. E--enjoyment (There is a need for laughter. Defines how baggage hinders enjoyment.)
4. A--acceptance (Teaches how to avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling--leading predictors in the failure of couples. Elucidates upon what to do if you can't quite accept your partner. Also teaches how to find acceptance.)
5. T--trust (Implies faith and confidence and is required for emotional intimacy. Details how to restore trust.)
6. E--empathy (Attempt to view the situation from your partner's point of view. Learn how to move from debate and animosity to dialogue and understanding. Empathy heals wounds.)
Dr. Goulston writes that breakdowns in a relationship occur when an element of the pillars is shaky--they need regular reinforcement. Stress on the pillars is a result of marriage, child-rearing, financial problems, long-term bond of two single people, or even work. The author believes that you shouldn't feel like a victim, instead take the initiative to create the "love you deserve."
By reading The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, you should learn how to have:
* Renewed involvement with each other
* Revived enthusiasm four your relationship
* A stronger sense of partnership and commitment
* An atmosphere of healing
* A greater capacity to solve problems effectively
* Deepened intimacy and tenderness
* Enhanced mutual understanding
* Freedom from guilt and blame
* A more durable bond
* A reawakening of love
Using a no-blame, no-fault, no-nonsense approach and couples therapy stories as examples, this book is well written for couples to read and act upon together. Dr. Goulston also includes throughout blocks of Usable Insight and questionnaires as evaluation tools. The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship is a classic which should be read by all couples, especially those who are in a shaky, rocky, or separating marriage and by those who are preparing to enter one. If your relationship is in trouble, find out why. Mark Goulston's 6 Secrets is Usable Insight into the reasons problems begin and will help you overcome existing marital difficulties and even point you to further help if necessary. And, if you're happily married, you, like myself, can gain a better understanding of your spouse and marriage.
5 Stars
13 of 14 people found the following review helpful.
The Best Guide Ever to Bring Back Love and Loving
By A Customer
Dr. Goulston's book made so much sense to my husband, felt so right to me, and was extremely doable for both of us. It helped us recognize when and where the great things disappeared from our life and more importantly gave us a way to bring them back. Skeptical as were, this book really can help you to fall back in love again and stay there.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
I'm so glad I got this book
By Wife seeking help
Personally I liked the use of the acronym CREATE to organize the book:(Chemistry,Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust and Empathy). If you are having difficulties with anything other than physical abuse or substance abuse then this book gets to the heart of what is most important quickly and the organization allows you to skip to the area which concerns you most (which I did): yes there was a light sales job at the beginning but if you get into the chapters, they are quite meaty with a variety of approaches to dealing with each problem and a good description of the most common array of diifficulties. If one's spouse is resistant to marriage books then you can read it by yourself (like I did) and still find it quite helpful.
The chapters on respect p 95 to 136 and empathy p258 to 288 were exactly what I needed. My marriage has had difficulty for a number of years but I sure would have loved to have found this book earlier. For those whose relationships are doing well this gives you a reminder of what truly matters and help during the trials which may eventually occur. I also recommend Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson for those who need a bit more perspective on why they get in such crazy fights, but this book finishes the job as far as I am concerned.
I had read a lot of books on marriage and still was having difficulty so I ordered this one along with three others. Thankfully this one (used) arrived first (the others haven't arrived yet). I feel like it alone was worth the cost of all four books: it urges spouses who are getting disrespect (me) to stick up for themselves in a dignified manner while doing what it takes to foster their own self-respect, just what I needed: the examples help one to see how much this can improve the situation while giving perspective as to why we may be stuck. The chapter on empathy showed how to provide empathy when needed but also how to stick up for oneself. I had already taken some measures but this helped me finish the job: it works.
I loved the following passage on p286 to be used after a husband comes home in a foul mood from work and the wife uses empathy to help him get a grip: He should not be given a free pass no matter how compassionate your empathy makes you feel. After you've defused the situation and made him feel understood, look him in the eye and say, "You know, when bad things happen at work, I'd really appreciate it if you don't take it out on me. I'm on your side."
My only complaint is that it lets those who disrespect their spouses off the hook too easily, saying they should just leave if they can't find respect, when in some cases their values seem quite skewed. I think he could have questioned those values more, in such a case I would definitely recommend the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson because it lays out much more clearly what one stands to lose.
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